Wednesday, April 4, 2012

The Outside Reveals the Inside

I tend to be a woman of extremes.  I am either extremely dedicated to my husband, children, homeschooling, and home OR I am terribly distracted by something that has captured my attention.  To be honest, I often end up feeling very schizophrenic after I have been in one of those self-indulgence stages.  I am there right now.

 I think it actually started up again when I went back to Facebook in order to post my blog entries.  I had great purposes for this new blog.  I still plan to try and build it up. . .someday.  But I wanted to try and drive traffic so I started posting on Facebook again.  All that ended up doing was sucking me into posting stupid things that most people really don't care to read. It's a waste of my time.

The next catalyst was when a couple of friends on mine introduced me to pinterest.  I have a love/hate relationship with pinterest.  I love being able to pin the things that I find but can't do anything with it at that point.  But like FB, it will suck you in so that you are spending wasted time looking through everyone else's boards to see what neat things they have pinned.  After spending WAY too much time searching through the home organization boards, I just felt depressed.

So these two things have sucked me back into a media storm several month ago.  I haven't been able to climb out of it.  In fact, it's drowning me.  See the extremes?  I am either all with it and I just throw it all to the wind and run head long into the self indulgences that leave me feeling so empty.

And empty I feel.  This morning I just felt the overwhelming urge to cry out to God for help in climbing out of the this state that I am in.   As I prayed I had this overwhelming impression that this emptiness I am feeling, the disorganization of just about every area of life right now, the frantic pace of the life, and the media addiction are an indication that my heart is not being filled with my Savior.

I failed to mention one of the others things that has drawn into the schizophrenic state.  HUNGER GAMES!!!  Yes, I am have been reading it.  Normally I do not allow myself to get sucked into the pop culture type books.  But Underdog told me they were really good.  He really wants to see the movie.  In keeping with the family rule, I can't see the movie until I read the book.  So I started reading and I was hooked.  I read the first book at a fairly good pace, although I was probably staying up a little later than I needed to.  I did not like the ending.  I decided that it probably wasn't a good idea to move straight on into the next book though.  So I moved on. . .until about 5 hours later when I realized that I can check the book out for free with Amazon Prime.  I caved. . .quickly.  Right now I am halfway through the book and really ready to be finished.  I wish I could speed read the last book so I can just put the stupid serious behind me.

Which brings me back to the state of my heart.  I am empty because I am filling me heart with everything that is not my Savior.  Whether I like to admit it or not, this is how I have been living for several years now.  Oh, don't get me wrong.  I have had great moments in these years where I am growing in the Lord.  But I can't and don't sustain it.  I know that everyone has times and peaks and valleys.  But this is different.  This isn't a valley because of something specific the Lord has allowed in my life to sanctify me.  No.  This is a valley of my own creation.  And I have been here for a LONG time.  My house is a reflection of the state of my heart.  My school is a reflection of this state.  My relationships are a reflection of this state.  

This morning the passage that I woke up with on my heart came out of 1 Corinthians 13.

When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways.  (1 Corinthians 13:11 ESV)

I am still acting and living like I am a silly, immature child.  I have made life all about me.  When I am on top of things and living life "well", it's really only my attempt to impress the world around me.  I think a lot about what I can blog to receive kudos for MY great work or some great FB post.  It's sickening just typing it out.  When life is not going "well" I dive into the media and numb myself.  I don't want to face what I created with poor and immature choices.  When I was a child. . . . .

But when I grow up and become the woman that God intended me to be. . . . .  Oh to dream.

I am a little late in decision but I have decided to do some fasting this month.  Mostly, it's a media fast from the areas that drag my heart away from my Savior.  Facebook, pinterest, and anything else that isn't going to push me into the arms of Jesus are out for a while.  I have certain foods like wheat, coffee, and pasteurized dairy (I know, that pretty specific but I have an experiment I am doing with raw dairy right now) are all on my fasting list.  The farmer's market opens this weekend so I have some very yummy and simple plans for our diet this month.

Mostly, I want to press into the Lord.  I am hungry to know my Savior in a deeper way.  I am desperate for more of the Spirit.  As we finish up our series at church on spiritual gifts, I greatly desire to know mine.  I had a sense this weekend of what He might have intended for me, but my human mind cannot wrap itself around it right now.  So I am just waiting patiently as I wait for further understanding.  Mostly, I just want to be closer to Jesus.  I want him to cleanse my heart and bring order to it.  Something tells me if I will stop focusing on the outside and what it looks like, the inside will begin to grow.  As my heart grows more in love with the Savior, I suspect there will be more order in my home.  I want my motives for bringing order to my domain to be all about the Savior and not me.

I have no idea what this looks like going forward.  I am dedicating myself to praying a lot over the next several weeks.  I have a race to prepare for at the end of April so that will give me plenty of time to listen our past sermon series and simply just worship God as I run for His glory.  I really do feel His pleasure when I run.  :)  I am excited about what this will all bring.  I am excited to grow to know my Savior better.

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